Stephanie Says (Leaking her heart on paper)

Brokenness

This past month in the community of faith I am a part of the idea of brokenness was explored. It was said that the only way to heal brokenness is to bring it into the light and allow others to come alongside of you to aid in your healing. Although I have heard this many times before, and have made half-hearted attempts to incorporate this idea into my life, I saw this idea with new eyes this week. As positive a statement as this can be, I also think the idea of sharing in each other’s brokenness can be quite dangerous if not pursued with delicacy and care.

Let me say that I’m not exempt from this. I have ignored some broken places in my life for a very long time, years. I think I knew that not all of the broken pieces had been repaired, but I chose to grow in a relationship with someone in the hopes that if I ignored it long enough, it would go away. That makes sense, right? I was happier then I can ever remember when sharing my life with another person. I slowly grew in love (as opposed to “falling” in love, as if by accident). I chose to allow my self to be in love with someone although initially I had hesitancies as to my ability to love at this point in my life. In doing so, I have succeeded in hurting the most extraordinary person I have had the honor to meet, let alone love. By ignoring my broken places, I ended up creating more wounds not only in myself, but also for another person. I love her more than I have ever loved anyone in my life, in a relational sense. It is very likely that I have destroyed any concept of love and relationships and trust for her, just like someone had done to me. All I can think of now is “if only.” If only I had listened to God, allowed Him to determine whether or not I was whole again, or ready to move into another relationship. Instead of living in my defiance, being weary of having hurt for so long and arguing “I’m done with this piece of me, this season of pain, I want to love again, therefore I am going to.” Maybe things could have been different, maybe this relationship did not have to end in such devastation for both parties, maybe it would not have had to end at all.

So within a community when we talk about letting each other carry in our brokenness, I would have to say, that you know when you are ready. So often I’ll ignore my heart and my spirit. We talk about how important our hearts are, more valuable then any other treasure in the world, so why is it so easy to ignore it? Why would I ever choose to do such a thing? It is like ignoring a broken bone that has not yet been set in its rightful place. It’s gut-wrenchingly painful, but instead of getting help, you ignore it, thinking it will heal on its own. Maybe you numb it out with painkillers somehow believing that it will go away. Maybe one day the pain is not unbearable and it is reduced to a dull ache. But now you have a bone that is still popped out of wherever it needs to be and now it has to be rebroken in order to be made right. And then the healing process begins all over again, probably with more pain and more consequence then the initial injury. The idea of this occurrence is outrageous. I do not believe that this is any more absurd then ignoring my heart instead of nurturing it back into health. Removing the shards of brokenness instead of letting them take root and find a home in my heart. My hope is that I will no longer look at my cuts and bruises in my heart and tell myself “No, you need to be healed now and if you are not, then too damn bad because I’m doing it anyways.”

I want to pursue honesty and become an instrument fine-tuned to listen to all of the sources of music in me, no matter how sad or slow. Let my heart tell me when it is ready instead of me telling it. I commit to bringing the tough places into the light and sharing them with other people so I will never destroy something so beautiful and perfect again and in doing so, maybe honor the love I have lost. I hope that as I seek out forgiveness in myself, instead of self-loathing and regret, so will other people that I have so severely wounded. That they will become whole and find love again, even if that does not mean me being a part of that again. Perhaps by being mindful of this and walking alongside others in their brokenness I can assist in deterring similar damages and cycles. Lets carry each other’s burdens with great caution and care, so we can become better instruments of God and of our lives.